Kim Jong-Un is being assassinated

As Kim Jong-un, emperor of the ‘Hermit Kingdom’, does his best to create nuclear weapons the West looks on – desperately hoping he keeps falling on his face. Meanwhile; inside North Korea forces are at work to bring about the demise of this petulant dictator.

These forces are known as The Three C’s – cigarettes, calories and ultimately – cardiovascular disease. Yes, the greed ridden, pseudo-socialist mafioso is complicit in his own sordid demise.

At only 33-years-old Kim Jung-un is a heavy smoker and at just five-foot-six, qualifies as an Olympic super-heavyweight. In fact; so fat is the round leader that his ankles occasionally snap.

It is possible that every time there is a failed rocket launch he is brought a cake the size of an anvil glossed with lard to cheer him up and hopefully forget to execute the rocket scientists responsible for the latest inter-ballistic mishap.

In a country that just a few years ago suffered biblical levels of famine, Kim is a unique figure – being the only fat man to have ever existed in North Korea. This cannot go unnoticed by the people of North Korea despite the total control wielded over the media by the ruthless totalitarian regime.

This in itself has the potential to bring about the toppling of Kim Jong-un. Rather than have the little fabled child scream ‘the emperor has no clothes;’ if the next time North Korea became hungry he instead screamed ‘the emperor has clothes, and they are made from a ship’s sail the fat bastard!’


The USA currently sends North Korea food aid to keep its people from once again starving. If Kim is really a problem they would like to be rid of they should also send personalised packages of food with quantities of sugar so high they make health food fascist Jamie Oliver want to self harm. They might also consider sending a container of exotic cigarettes with a toxin rating so high that the ship carrying them gets cancer.






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