Open Letter to America (From Britain)

Since the majority of my readers are American, I thought it might be nice to write all of you a letter… Please feel free to write me back.


Dear America,

As difficult as it may be to admit with my British stiff upper lip – The United States of America certainly appears to be the best country in the world. America is one of the richest countries in the world, home of the American Dream and possesses a rich culture that inspires the population of the entire globe. The thing is – I am never coming to your country.

It would be difficult to wrestle me out of my comfort zone of rainy ol’ Britain at the best of times but I am particularly averse to travelling to the US of A. To me; it’s not worth the traumatic experience of flying 36,000ft over open, shark infested water. I don’t think I can bare the anxiety of 8 hours on a plane tormenting myself with images of me ending my day freezing to death in the Atlantic Ocean with nothing but a luminous inflatable waist coat for company having just survived a crash. That is before I have even dealt with American immigration, should I make it there safely.

So I’ll never get to see first-hand whether or not it really is the best place on earth. When I hear on TV, YouTube or a podcast an American claim that it is the best country in the world, I tend to believe them. But when my Mother tells me that all Americans are ‘arrogant pricks’, I tend to believe her too.

If I ever did visit I would be concerned some of you would hear my accent and in your ignorance ask me if I’m from Australia. This is a sure fire way to annoy any European – by misidentifying their accent. When you found out I was British would you pester me with questions like – ‘have you met the queen?’ That would be irritating, if only because The Queen doesn’t invite me to her house for dinner.

Since I’ll likely never visit the US, I won’t be able to see for myself whether a ‘regular’ sized meal in an American McDonalds really is 3 times the size of a British one. If that were true it would go some way in explaining why you are all so fat over there.

Although I may never visit, I would love it if you continued to share your culture with us.

Please keep sending us your Hollywood movies, your comedy, your podcasts, your UFC, your WWE, as well as your news. We love to know how you guys are doing. We are particularly enjoying your presidential election between a psychopathic robot who has somehow managed to contract pneumonia and a fat egotistical property developer with a grey candy floss comb over. It’s particularly enjoyable for us here in Britain because of course – we won’t have to face the consequences of that choice.


But please refrain from sending us your America ‘Football’. We don’t watch it; in fact nobody in the world watches it but you. No one else in the world understands what is going on with that game – where players seem to only be able to compete for 15 seconds at a time before regrouping and having a cuddle.

Please take back Keeping Up with the Kardashians it is unbearable and we have plenty of our on trash TV we could throw your way if you want to play that game. Although feel free to keep sending us pictures of Kim’s arse. Or, how do you say in America? Kim’s ass.



Joe (of Britain)


P.S – Although the British may look over the Atlantic with a rather smug look, glad that we don’t have your gun problem and have rather less Christian Fundamentalists – we love you really.

P.P.S – Please stop dragging us into wars in the Middle East.



Further Reading:

Clinton Collapse Aftermath – Bill steps in


My First Online Encounter with ‘Social Justice Warriors’


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