A Doctor is a medical practitioner. Those who study the mechanics of medicine and practice their application – but never truly master them. This is what I want from a Doctor. Someone with a passion to strive for a perfection that is probably unachievable. What I don’t want from a Doctor is someone spending anytime what-so-ever practising being on TV.
I have a predisposed hatred for Doctors. In my experience they are universally arrogant with a superiority complex that comes from having a medical degree or whatever. This shows when you arrive in a Doctor’s office and get greeted with a contemptuous look reserved for idiots complaining that they are ill.
I think my hatred stems from a time when I arrived at a doctor’s surgery suffering crippling abdominal pains that had kept me up all right. I hadn’t dressed for the occasion and arrived in a shabby state. My main concern was getting my hands on some of those wonderful painkillers I’d heard about – this seemingly being the perfect time to take some.
The doctor looked at me like a junkie trying to score a fix and sent me hobbling out of the office with a recommendation that I take some paracetamol. Trouble is I’d already taken 15 that morning and I was still in pain. To me Doctors are no more responsible for me than my mechanic is responsible for my car – if I come to the garage with a problem (pain) I expect you to fix it (drugs).
Often I will wake up in the morning to find Dr Hillary Jones on ITV’s Good Morning Britain and start to snarl like a dog who has just seen a cat through the window. Then I remember TV Doctors like Gillian McKeith and America’s Dr Phil aren’t real Doctors. They are no more real that Dr Fox or Dr Dre.
Dr Hillary is slightly different in that he did actually qualify as a medical Doctor back in 1976 at the Royal Free Hospital, London. Trouble is since the early 90’s he has regularly been appearing on television.
In 2002 Dr Jones appeared on Dave Gorman’s Important Astrology Experiment (a zany comedy show) as a medical pundit. The role didn’t really require someone with the utmost credibility – just someone desperate to get their mug on television.
This is my problem with Dr Hillary. Dr Hillary is not a Doctor, he is a TV Doctor. He doesn’t practice medicine, he practises how to look like a Doctor on television. And he’s very good. He has researched his role well. He has even gone to medical school so he can learn a few really long medical words to impress us.
This is not a character assassination. I don’t know Hillary. He could be a really good guy – a good father, a good husband. I’m sure he is. I’m sure he buys birthday presents for his children and rubs his wife’s feet… But he is not a doctor.
A Doctor doesn’t spend time in make-up. Doctors spend their time devising ways to fight arse cancer – not working on their presentation skills in rehearsals. Doctors do not spend their time on the phone to their agents hoping to get a spot on Good Morning Britain. Real Doctors use the phone only to tell their partners they’ll be home from work only when they have cured someone of diverticulitis.
Hillary doesn’t so much as give AIDS a call to leave it a threatening voice mail. The only research he does is to check Twitter after every TV appearance to check the ‘reaction’. He’s not even tweeting things like ‘Hey @HIV – we are working on ways to defeat you Mother F*cker! #LastLaugh’.
I wouldn’t be surprised to see him pop up on Eastenders – he might have already, I don’t know I can’t be bothered to research it.