Current Affairs: Another 5 Day Diary

All that I know about politics is gained from what I understand about Pro-Wrestling.

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Monday

First thing in the morning, Donald Trump captures the headlines cutting a promo with the help of Good Morning Britain’s Piers Morgan. He will not be forgetting about the new Mayor or London’s comments calling Trump ‘ignorant’ any time soon – claiming to be offended and calling Khan’s words ‘nasty statements’. Trump is clearly gained a lot of confidence in his victory of the Republican nomination and is demanding to be taken seriously. He will not have a Mayor of a tinpot city like London talk trash.

Also in discussion with Morgan, Trump trashes Alan Sugar telling us Sugar works for him and is barely qualified enough to be on the UK’s version of The Apprentice. He also threatens a poor relationship with Britain after David Cameron echoed Khan’s comments and called him stupid.

In case that wasn’t enough to make a big splash he also gets a few words in on the EU referendum since everybody knows there is nothing the British people love more than an American offering their 2 cents on our sovereignty.

This interview is like a public conversation, at least it will become one if anyone replies to him. Those who take him seriously will.

***

Ruth Davidson, MSP for Edinburgh Central got

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Ruth Davidson. Liberal? Tory? Lesbian?

herself up very early to cut a promo of her own in a bid to enhance her public image. She sat down in studio with Morgan and Susanna Reid and described an incident on a helicopter where the door opened mid flight before she rallied round to shut it so the pilot was able to land.

As woefully undramatic as that sounds I’m certain is was even less so. I’m not ready to believe she is quite the super-girl she made herself out to be.

 

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Donald Trump impersonating David Brent.

 

Tuesday

By Tuesday morning ITV were still playing their Trump card and played the second half of the previous days interview. This time he trashes Tony Blair for taking Britain into war and Obama for his poor pulling out of the war in Afghanistan.

Trump also makes time to let us all know just how bloody successful and wealthy he is which made me feel a little bit like I’d been woken up early in the morning to find Donald Trump masturbating in my face.

He didn’t miss an opportunity to have a dig at Presidential rival Hillary Clinton who apparently would be terrible on ‘every subject [Trump] could think of’. All I know about Clinton is that she is married to a former US President who once got a blowjob from Monica Lewinsky in the White House. I’m really hoping she is a lot more qualified than just the things I know about her.

The big story is Piers Morgan has hustled the headlines for 2 straight days. I know we all hate Morgan but you can’t deny he is very successful. I have to begrudgingly respect him as ill at ease as that makes me feel. He has made a career out of people hating him, and the more they have hated him, the more money he has made.

Sadiq Khan responds live in studio to Trump and is far more friendly this time around and even invites Donald over for a lovely Sunday barbecue with his family and friends. Whenever he’s free… please? Mr President?

 

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Sadiq Khan live on Good Morning Britain.

 

Wednesday

University bans mortar boards from being thrown during graduation celebrations causing Piers Morgan to declare war on health and safety. I think he might be right. Health & Safety as an institution feels as if it is the precursor to what will be known in the future as the ‘Thought Police’.

***

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Everyone at Tough Mudder looks like this lady.

Reports came in from somewhere, at sometime called Tough Mudder taking place for some reason. All I remember is – I have to make it to one of those events in the future because it looks like the largest collection of beautiful dirty women outside of a Internet Porn Award Ceremony.

***

 

Thursday was the day of the ludicrous tradition of The Queens speech where she becomes The Prime Minister’s unquestionable and unaccountable mouth piece for the day.

According to Her Maj we are getting better internet (maybe), and she is allowing driverless cars to exist in the future even though they do now.

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Jacob Reese Mogg – Lovable Posh Tory Twat

Tory Rebel Ian Duncan Smith made an appearance today drawing into light the quietly dropped  ‘Sovereignty Bill’ from the Queens speech suggesting that any Sovereignty Bill for Britain under the EU umbrella would be legally worthless.

Jacob Reece Mogg also turned up on the BBC excited about super fast broadband for his constituents and dissing Ian Duncan Smith – essentially telling him to shut the hell up.

 

But the person who topped the leader board of ridiculous on Wednesday was Jeremy Corbyn – in Parliament rambling on for 40 minutes after The Queens opening of parliament . Subsequently I cannot for the life of me remember a thing he said. Not even his own party were listening. You could tell the effort of delivering his speech required Corbyn to have a post speech nap.

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A little old lady reading a pamphlet while balancing Uganda’s national debt on her head.

 

Thursday

Another plane goes missing flying from France to Egypt, along with the rest of the news. Not much more was known on Thursday abut the disappearance, everyone seemed in an endless daze of ‘what the ..?’

Earlier in the morning however, two very smartly dressed doctors made an appearance on the news asking for money to solve the Super-Bug problem. Or are they just scamming us? I’ve never heard of a super bug killing anyone but I have heard about gits in suits stealing money from us.

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EgyptAir – yet another reason why I do not fly.

Friday

Information on the missing EgyptAir was still scarce through all of Friday but that didn’t stop Donald Trump who did a full investigation into the crash and concluded it was terrorism obviously.

He is gambling on it being terrorism, a low risk one at that. If it turns out it wasn’t he could always say he was only voicing what we were all thinking. If it does turn out to be terrorism it will seem to the mob like he has all the information and all the answers. The really scary thing is, he doesn’t have a clue – just like the rest of us.

It’s things like this that make me think I shouldn’t even watch the news. I know it is soo unlikely for me to be on a plane and something like this happens, but I’d still rather take comfort in knowing if I never get a plane then me ever exploding in one becomes impossible.

***

A man previously convicted of murder pleads guilty to breaking into Buckingham Palace. It only happened yesterday! If he had broken into my house he wouldn’t be giving a plea the next day. He’d be at home on bail with his feet up. This man might never see the light of day.

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Buckingham Palace – The home of people BETTER THAN YOU.

 

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