Fancy playing a great game but the current Tory government has left you without a pot to piss in? Or have you developed a special bond between the sofa and your backside which has rather hampered your ability to earn extra money, or perhaps you are just cheap? Never fear, for I have for you 5 games that give you the best in thumb waggling action that won’t compromise your marijuana budget.
If you have played all of these games then congratulations you clearly are not wasting your life with any of that needless mucky sex. If however you have been known to enjoy the touch of a sexual partner you may be pleased to know there are some cheap ways to enjoy your time in between bouts of slimy coitus.
Games that where great 5 years ago are still great today and if you resent paying £40+ on the latest releases look out for these brilliant budget classics easily found on eBay.
BioShock Infinite (£4 – £5)
For just £5 why not take a first person trip to the fictional floating air city of Columbia – a pseudo utopia founded on religion and racism in the early 20th century steam punk era of fictional history.
You play as retired Pinkerton Booker Dewitt, a degenerate gambler tasked with travelling to Columbia to kidnap a young woman in exchange for his debt. While this may seem morally reprehensible we quickly discover that Elizabeth (the young girl in question) is a prisoner in Columbia and her kidnapping by Dewitt is quickly re-branded as a rescue mission.
The game establishes early on a situation where it is deemed morally justifiable to visit the beautiful Columbia cloud city and start gunning down hundreds of people – because that is what we all want to do. The game equips you with a range of weapons that deliver death in various ways and also the ability to equip magical powers called “Vigors” to aid the process.
Equipping a Vigor will allow players to throw bolts of lightning with a wave of the hand as well as fire and even a ghostly apparition that processes enemies and briefly makes them friendly. The longevity of fun to be had pumping bullets into to your enemies can now been increased with the ability to set fire to them first.
BioShock infinite is a great first person shooter with valuable added gimmicks accompanied by an intriguing story that will send your head spinning by the end. It is a dark fairy tale met with an acid trip. Check it out.
Saints Row: The Third (£3 – £4)
Right from the off Saints Row: The Third lets players know that the game is absolutely nuts. I hadn’t played either of the two previous instalments of Saints Row and was expecting a cheap GTA rip off. But the first mission has the player looking like a character from Little Big Planet, robbing a bank and firing off rounds at a rate that would make a Texan gun nut blush.
One of the principle differences of the Saints Row series from GTA is the character customisation. Before you delve into the LSD trip of a story, the game allows you to create your own character – anything from a female Tony Montana to a BDSM gimp.
A great feature is customizable taunts that you can use whenever you feel like starting trouble with a civilian on the street or adding some theatrics to your botched bank job murders. I created a sexy female Russian and spent 20 minutes enjoying all the possible taunts before I’d even started the meat of the game.
Saints Row: The Third plays very much like GTA with all the dull stuff taken out and replaced with madness². This game is like being wanked off with a blood soaked hand. Wrong yes – but you don’t want it to stop.
If you find any of the following things intriguing – this game is for you.
- Doing battle with a Gang of neon ninjas driving luminous Ford Focus’s.
- Beating a mob of gangsters to death with a dildo the size of a baseball bat.
- Riding a flaming quad bike in a space suit down the street.
- Driving a car with a wild tiger in the passenger seat as part of your training for an upcoming wrestling match.
The Last of Us (£8 – 10)
An action-adventure-survival-horror-post-apocoliptic-zombie-thriller. But before you yawn, The Last of Us uses both strong gameplay and a story that pulls the heart strings to brilliantly capture a world where society has broken down – positioning the game as truly one of the greats in gaming history.
You play as Joel – a smuggler trying to make his way in a world gone wrong until he unwillingly teams up with the one person who can provide a solution: the 14 year old girl, Ellie.
The game is so good it has even gone down well with feminists – a notoriously unhappy lot. This is of course largely down to Ellie’s presence in the story who although only 14 years old is one kick-ass-bad-mutha-fucka and also an experimenting lesbian. The only way she could be more pleasing to the LGBT community is if she had actually be born a man.
In game – supplies are scarce and have to be hunted for and ammunition for weapons is painfully low altering your trigger habits whenever a gun fight is in order. Unlike a GTA or a Call of Duty you can’t just run around and blat away till everything is dead and unmoving, a more considered approach is needed for your murdering.
If you like some cinema with your game, you cannot miss The Last of Us.
Tomb Raider (£7 – £8)
Yet another game with the feminist stamp of approval, chiefly because a woman takes the entire spot light and is given a personality rather than relying on wiggling her tits around to sell the game. 2013 was a great year for the strong female character – I hope that makes you feel empowered now ladies!
I would have liked to give you a quick snapshot of the plot except I can’t recall any of it – nobody cares.
In this revamp of the Tomb Raider franchise we get everything we want and have come to expect from Lara Croft. Players can take Lara to explore a beautiful landscape with various climbing techniques at her disposal and solve puzzles – often by shooting stuff. This is when players aren’t manipulating the camera angle to get a closer look at Lady Croft’s knockers – only to discover the feelings captured in that moment aren’t of satisfaction or triumph but of crushing loneliness.
Weapons crafting is a common gameplay mechanic nowadays that has been used for this instalment which gives you a certain sense of pride that all your murderous tools have taken many hours of loving gameplay to construct. In the beginning Lara is equipped with nothing but a pointing stick which she eventually manages to whittle into an AK-47
Heavy Rain (£4 – £5)
Heavy Rain is the wild card in this list for the simple fact that it isn’t exactly a game. Not in the traditional sense. It is more like a crime thriller movie that you have to direct yourself with a controller.
The game has a slow start but Wikipedia informed me it had been “critically acclaimed” so I soldiered on in an effort to find the soft creamy deliciousness of this game. I didn’t realise that soldiering on meant I would find myself controlling a man taking a shower in full hi-def glory.
Heavy Rain is a film noir thriller, or that is at least what I had been expecting. Instead I was given some novice parenting lessons. I had to make a child do his homework, play with him, prepare dinner and then send him to bed. I even had to run around for stuff he had left around the house – it was just as annoying as I imagine parenting to be like. For my efforts I was even awarded a “Good Father” trophy which is good considering I classify children as sexually transmitted diseases. The character in the game would later ruin my good father achievement by again losing his one remaining son.
It’s very much a slow burn game but if you have the patients to stick with it you do eventually get a good pay off as you play through the game as 4 different characters trying to piece together who the “Origami Killer” is. Different in-game choices lead to different endings which does give the game some play time longevity.