I know not to tune into ITV before 6am during the week. I like to watch Good Morning Britain as part of my morning ritual but this is spoilt if I dare switch the television on a moment before. If I am to switch on before 6 my life is ruined by Jeremy Kyle doing his usual bully routine on The Jeremy Kyle Show.
So imagine my horror to discover that Jeremy Kyle is now presenting GMB! I can only hope that this is a short lived post for him. I can only hope (and this is the only circumstance I would) Piers Morgan swoops in on a rope with an interview with Vladimir Putin on a USB stick gripped in his teeth and fly kicking Kyle out of the window and onto a steel bollard below.
Not only has Ben Shepard disappeared but so has Susanna Reid – leaving only Kate Garraway to sit beside Lucifer’s Mistress Kyle. They don’t make for a great combination. Kyle is as appealing as medieval dental treatment and Garraway is so lightweight she has to be glued to the GMB sofa to stop her from floating away. It all became too much when the topic of conversation became Dermot O’Leary’s return to X-Factor. I switched over to the BBC.
From there I quickly discovered why people watch GMB – the BBC is depressing. Bad news after bad news with absolutely no hope of even Andi Peters breaking up the horror show with an upbeat text competition for a holiday.
Education Secretary Nicky Morgan turned up on the BBC after having earlier been in studio over on ITV banging the drum for the Tory leadership’s views on the EU. You could almost see the strings propping her up, but I instead wondered if she was actually Noel Fielding after a sex change.
It seems that after receiving a grilling on Question Time she has now become relevant to the conversation in the same way the diagnosis of an STD could become relevant. So all morning I’ve listened to her explain how leaving the EU would have the young people forced to hunt for food with blunt sticks as the economy evaporates. Later she would make a speech saying she didn’t want young people to be “left in limbo while we struggle to find and then negotiate an alternative mode.” It seems she’d much rather them be left in limbo while there school becomes an academy instead.
The BBC did offer some juicy breaking news this morning – a hijacked plane. And to make this one more fun, it turned out not to be a terrorist just some bloke who wanted to speak to his ex-wife. She must have some crazy bedroom skills. Either that or he wants to return to her the custody of the kids.